The Truth Hurts

There are some things that come along as quiet truths. Some things float into your mind and you say, "Ah! So, that's what this is all about." Other times, like this one, you say something more like, "Frikin' A! Well, CRAP! NOW I get it!"
Forgive my lame curses, but that's exactly what went through my mind yesterday when I was pondering Lily's discipline issues. I have been praying for her tirelessly and asking God to show me how to turn our home into a quiet respite of peace and tranquillity. Well, I will say that when you ask God to change someone else you usually realize that it's YOU that needs to change. That's what I realized.
You see, I'm not the most quiet person around. I know, hard to believe. But my "volume" can be taken a number of ways, I'm realizing. My husband and I love to banter. We LOVE to be sarcastic and often this can be perceived as "biting" or rude. Sooo, I'm sure you all know where this is leading me. Lily is three and a half. She doesn't get sarcasm. No small kid does. They aren't made to understand it. In fact, you have to grow up and get a little jaded and cynical for it to be a "fun" thing in which to partake. I don't imagine Jesus was sarcastic (at least not without love). And now my Lily watches. She watches her loud Momma. She sees her jest and poke fun at her Daddy. She sees her be stubborn and bull-headed about various topics. I can't believe I didn't see it before. She's just trying to be like me!
So today I watched myself VERY carefully to see if I could change her by changing me. I did notice some differences. When I'm calm she's totally calm. When I am cool and collected she's more responsive...much more responsive.
You all may be saying, "Well, DUH, Carlye, that's what kids DO!" But you don't know how delicate the exchange is until it has happened to you personally. She makes me want to be a better person. She makes me want to live from my heart. God so knows what He's doing when he gives us children. His children, His little, tiny, walking parables.

The Big Sister

My Lily is the most wonderful big sister ever. I never doubted that she would love this new baby as much as she does. In fact, it frustrates her to no end that she can't just squeeze the snot out of Mirah. It's kind of hilarious actually. If I let her, I think we'd have a little "of Mice and Men" issue going on here. Lily has always loved big. That's just who she is. I'm the same way. We just can't hug without throwing ourselves at you!
I won't lie though, the past two months have been difficult. Lily has shown a lot of new emotions that I was totally unprepared for. Jealousy I knew would be an issue, but I never knew the form it would take. She never was resentful toward the baby, just me. She told me numerous times that I didn't love her or that I just didn't care. She's over that now, but it tore away at my heart like a knife. I know it's normal, but she never realized that I was, in a way, mourning my one-on-one time with her as well. It was super hard for me not to have every minute free to fill with Lily time. We both struggled. But we both survived. Lily is a total champ now. Yes, she's still throwing us for a loop in the discipline department. She's asserting herself a LOT and it's hard to maintain a calm, collected response every time, but using Love and Logic has helped a whole bunch. And now, over all, Lily is back to her giggly, silly, fancy, wonderful self. She's so lovely I can't even believe it. Inside and out she just shines. I get glimpses of what she will look like when she's a teenager and my heart stops for a second. My baby is growing up into a beautiful kid!
Seeing Lily be a big sister and wonderful daughter has opened up my capacity for love in so many ways. I see her in a new light now. New facets of her diamond-like personality sparkle new each day. I love her now, not just for being my amazing little girl, but for being an amazing big sister. I know she'll be an amazing friend, wife and mother some day as well.
Lily, take this Franciscan blessing from me to you:

May God bless you with discomfort at easy answers, half truths, and superficial relationships, so that you may live deep within your heart.
May God bless you with anger at injustice, oppression, and exploitation of people, so that you may work for justice, freedom and peace.
May God bless you with tears to shed for those who suffer from pain, rejection, starvation and war, so that you may reach out your hand to comfort them and to turn their pain into joy.
May God bless you with enough foolishness to believe that you can make a difference in this world, so that you can do what others claim cannot be done.
And the Blessing of God, who Creates, Redeems and Sanctifies, be upon you and all you love an pray for this day, and forever more. Amen.

Your Momma loves you to pieces. You are my Lilypie.

Our Final Day as Three

My Dearest Lily,
This is a little note to you to read when you get older. Today is the last day that our little family is going to have as a threesome. Today I look at you and can't help but tear up about the last three and a half years. We've all gone through a lot and have had many amazing and wonderful times. I hope that you always felt loved and cherished. You always will be, sibling or no sibling, but I just hope that those three years for you were filled with snuggles and good memories (if you do remember any of it later). You have been such a catalyst for change and healing since the day you were born. You've represented a lot of things to me actually. You've shown me who I am in so many ways. I didn't really know myself when I first had you. You opened the floodgates in my heart the way that no one else could. Someday I will tell you of all the changes that you instigated. Suffice it to say that I will always always feel honored that God gave you to me, trusted you to me, when I didn't even know myself. You have such amazing insight, perception and understanding of the things around you. You are a truly deep kid. I can't even imagine life without you. Thank you for being who you are and for loving me for who I am. You amaze me each day with your capacity for love and joy. Lilian, nothing in this world could change the way I feel about you. My heart leaps when I look at you. You're growing so tall, so strong and so sensitive. My darling, God has always had big plans for you. It's evident to others when they interact with you that you're different. You're unique. You're fancy. You're insightful. You're charming. You're smart. You're beautiful. You're funny. You're fun to be around. You're deeply loving. You're sensitive. You're musical. You're caring and thoughtful. You're so many things...and I love you, darling, unconditionally.
Love,
Your Momma and biggest fan

Put a Little Love in Your Heart

So, today Lily wanted to know why Daddy was home for the day. We told her it was Martin Luther King, Jr. Day and figured that with the very long and confusing name that she would have no more questions. WRONG. We just spent the better part of the morning trying to explain this amazing man's quest for equal rights to a three year old, who, by the way, is not satisfied with just any old answer. She wants to know why he wanted each person to be equal. Were we not before? Was our country bad? Eesh! We didn't want to get into a big discussion about skin color only because she's been so chill about it all this time. We have a number of Indian, African American and Czech friends we hang out with on a weekly basis. To her, it's just how life is. I really like that about her. She embraces color and thinks nothing of a diverse playground experience. So, we talked a bit about how there are all variations of skin tone and how they're all beautiful. We talked about how God made them all unique and special and that every person, no matter how they look, should have the same chance at freedom, happiness and a good life for themselves and their families. She is bummed to find out that there are no purple, blue or green people, but now I have a really interesting idea about how to deal with that. When is it too soon to show your child pictures of the different Oceanic, Native American, and African tribes? I mean within reason, you know, nothing scary. She's so open to it. She's so loving and accepting and she rejoices in this colorful world. What happens to some of us as adults? Martin Luther King, Jr. must have had the heart a very hopeful child. That's what God asks from us...to mature into little children. So, I'll end on a great quote by a musician and child advocate that we all love at our house, Raffi. "Children are the most reasonable people I know." Happy Dr. King, Jr. Day everyone!

Nap Haiku

Naps are less these days.
The big pink tent draws her in.
Now it's "camping" not "napping".

Yes, loved ones, my daughter has taken to sleeping in her pink tent for nap. It's hilarious. And who is the most excited one? Sean of course. He's already planning our next camping trip.

Our Doctor Visit

I love taking Lily for well-visits at the Doctor. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that it means we have great insurance and our basic needs are totally cared for. Yes, that's part of it. But really, I just love taking her so that I can see her growth and hear from the Doctor about how well my little one is doing.
Our pediatrician is from heaven. I'm not just saying this. She's amazing. She has ten kids of her own (ages 9 through 32, I might add)and wouldn't have it any other way. She is the most patient woman I've ever met. Maybe I love going just to see her! It might be! Lily loves her too. We both sit there, enamored by her gracious presence and wise mommy mind, trying to soak it all up. I'm serious, you leave feeling like you've had a breath of fresh air. So, today we went and had Lily looked over, weighed, measured etc., but the best part was when Dr. Deeken had a little talk time with Lily one-on-one. They discussed healthy eating, safety, becoming a big sister, the alphabet, going potty, naps, Ariel (that one was Lily's addition), and many other little topics that the Dr. wanted to evaluate. The conversation was adorable. Lily was kind, respectful, and sweet and the Dr. looked at me when it was over and said, "Wow, you've got quite a remarkable girl on your hands!" She's right. Lily's over the moon! She's so good with adults and kids alike. Makes me so happy. Does she ever do anything wrong or bossy or snotty? Sure. All kids do, but the good times are so good it outweighs all the negatives. Plus, when you have two "Love and Logic" parents the aggravation of raising a three year old diminishes immensely. I kid you not, that concept has revolutionized our home. Fights are gone, threats are gone, and tantrums easily dealt with. Lily has responded amazingly. I recommend it for everyone. Especially for ones as precocious as mine! Here's to healthy bodies and minds!

My Prima Ballerina

Yesterday we started dance class for the first time. You'd think flying rainbow unicorns from Neptune came down to crown Lily "princess of everything girlie"! That's how excited she was!
It was precious. I will post pictures as I can, but since someone who will remain nameless (cough...Sean...cough) broke our digital camera, it may take some time. She wore her new real ballerina slippers, tights, a leotard with the tutu skirt and had her hair in a most precious little bun. A little side note about the bun: Lily's hair is very straight and when you put it up in a bun she inevitably has little wispy hairs all around her adorable face and neck...I LOVE it!
Okay, so we went to this new little class and my sometimes-very-shy-in-public girl came out of her shell. She paid perfect attention, tried everything, and really really did a great job. She even has a level of grace that I'd never seen before. She's very calculated and delicate in her moves, not awkward at all. There were quite a few girls in the class and they were all adorable, but it's so nice to see your kid doing so well when you're not there. I mean, I was there, but she couldn't see me behind the one-way mirror. I got to see her being herself all by herself. What a blessing! She didn't get distracted or goof off or disobey or do anything inappropriate (unlike 3 of her classmates). You know you've done something right as a parent when the teacher comes up and compliments you about what a great kid you have. My heart burst out of my chest. She beamed. We could have easily jumped on our unicorns and flown to Neptune with the amount of joy we both felt.
I look forward to many more days of tutus, buns, dancing or whatever my sweet Lily bean is interested in down the road. I mean hey, if she wants to play soccer, I'll be in the stands, if she wants to read every book she can get her hands on, I'll buy them! Whatever it is she loves, I will support it. I am just so excited for this stage of discovery. THIS is SO MUCH FUN.

I know she knows

Lilian can sense when things are about to change. Kids can do that even when you have said nothing about an upcoming event, let alone when you talk about an upcoming event almost daily, which is what we're doing. I know she knows this baby is coming soon. But really it's not the knowing that surprises me. She's a smart one. No, she senses that things are going to be very different and she's getting clingy. No more do I have this perfect set-up each day where we each get ready and I shower without question or eat breakfast in peace. Yes, folks, she has been that good! Now I have a sweet little three year old asking if I can play with her AT ALL TIMES. She's even gotten a little manipulative in her asking. I can hear her from her room say things like, "I don't want to be all alone!!!" Okay, that gets me right there. She knows how to get me! Even tonight as I'm tucking her in and cutting back on the amount of time I spend in her room each night, she gets me again with, "I don't want to be in here all alone!!" Mercy! It's as though I'm already being pulled two ways and little Mirah isn't even born yet! Oh the thrills we will encounter when she does arrive. Luckily I have a husband who will fill the gaps and pick up the slack where I cannot. For now, I just play with her a little more while half the time encouraging her to play alone a little every day. I don't want to create more clingy-ness, but I also want her to know that I'm here. So, the count down is about to commence. I have about 5 weeks left now and I am just praying that God holds our hands as we get closer to this new chapter of our lives. May he grant us the peace that passes all understanding. Especially for my little Lily. May peace settle over her like a warm blanket. "Oh, how I love you so much" my big girl!