The Truth Hurts

There are some things that come along as quiet truths. Some things float into your mind and you say, "Ah! So, that's what this is all about." Other times, like this one, you say something more like, "Frikin' A! Well, CRAP! NOW I get it!"
Forgive my lame curses, but that's exactly what went through my mind yesterday when I was pondering Lily's discipline issues. I have been praying for her tirelessly and asking God to show me how to turn our home into a quiet respite of peace and tranquillity. Well, I will say that when you ask God to change someone else you usually realize that it's YOU that needs to change. That's what I realized.
You see, I'm not the most quiet person around. I know, hard to believe. But my "volume" can be taken a number of ways, I'm realizing. My husband and I love to banter. We LOVE to be sarcastic and often this can be perceived as "biting" or rude. Sooo, I'm sure you all know where this is leading me. Lily is three and a half. She doesn't get sarcasm. No small kid does. They aren't made to understand it. In fact, you have to grow up and get a little jaded and cynical for it to be a "fun" thing in which to partake. I don't imagine Jesus was sarcastic (at least not without love). And now my Lily watches. She watches her loud Momma. She sees her jest and poke fun at her Daddy. She sees her be stubborn and bull-headed about various topics. I can't believe I didn't see it before. She's just trying to be like me!
So today I watched myself VERY carefully to see if I could change her by changing me. I did notice some differences. When I'm calm she's totally calm. When I am cool and collected she's more responsive...much more responsive.
You all may be saying, "Well, DUH, Carlye, that's what kids DO!" But you don't know how delicate the exchange is until it has happened to you personally. She makes me want to be a better person. She makes me want to live from my heart. God so knows what He's doing when he gives us children. His children, His little, tiny, walking parables.

The Big Sister

My Lily is the most wonderful big sister ever. I never doubted that she would love this new baby as much as she does. In fact, it frustrates her to no end that she can't just squeeze the snot out of Mirah. It's kind of hilarious actually. If I let her, I think we'd have a little "of Mice and Men" issue going on here. Lily has always loved big. That's just who she is. I'm the same way. We just can't hug without throwing ourselves at you!
I won't lie though, the past two months have been difficult. Lily has shown a lot of new emotions that I was totally unprepared for. Jealousy I knew would be an issue, but I never knew the form it would take. She never was resentful toward the baby, just me. She told me numerous times that I didn't love her or that I just didn't care. She's over that now, but it tore away at my heart like a knife. I know it's normal, but she never realized that I was, in a way, mourning my one-on-one time with her as well. It was super hard for me not to have every minute free to fill with Lily time. We both struggled. But we both survived. Lily is a total champ now. Yes, she's still throwing us for a loop in the discipline department. She's asserting herself a LOT and it's hard to maintain a calm, collected response every time, but using Love and Logic has helped a whole bunch. And now, over all, Lily is back to her giggly, silly, fancy, wonderful self. She's so lovely I can't even believe it. Inside and out she just shines. I get glimpses of what she will look like when she's a teenager and my heart stops for a second. My baby is growing up into a beautiful kid!
Seeing Lily be a big sister and wonderful daughter has opened up my capacity for love in so many ways. I see her in a new light now. New facets of her diamond-like personality sparkle new each day. I love her now, not just for being my amazing little girl, but for being an amazing big sister. I know she'll be an amazing friend, wife and mother some day as well.
Lily, take this Franciscan blessing from me to you:

May God bless you with discomfort at easy answers, half truths, and superficial relationships, so that you may live deep within your heart.
May God bless you with anger at injustice, oppression, and exploitation of people, so that you may work for justice, freedom and peace.
May God bless you with tears to shed for those who suffer from pain, rejection, starvation and war, so that you may reach out your hand to comfort them and to turn their pain into joy.
May God bless you with enough foolishness to believe that you can make a difference in this world, so that you can do what others claim cannot be done.
And the Blessing of God, who Creates, Redeems and Sanctifies, be upon you and all you love an pray for this day, and forever more. Amen.

Your Momma loves you to pieces. You are my Lilypie.