Thanksgiving

I hate the days that I fall short. Whether I get frustrated too quickly or I am a little on edge, it just doesn't matter, I hate days like this. Why? Because the beautiful little green eyes looking up at me are taking in every little move I make. Because those green eyes will find their identity under my roof for the next number of years. I want my eyes to be a clear mirror to her of what she truly means to me, and to God. I want her to see love, life, beauty, freedom and safety. I don't want her to see judgment, condemnation, shame or insecurity. How she's seen now, by me and her Daddy, will translate into her own thoughts and feelings about herself one day. Even now, I hear her telling me new things about herself that she didn't know before. "Mommy, I can dance SO good!" or "Mommy, I can't draw that, it's too hard for me." Those thoughts could translate into permanent "tapes" that will play in her head for years and years to come. So, I want her to hear from her Momma that she's the bee's knees, the cat's pajamas, the best thing since sliced pineapple. And when she's older I want her to think that of herself (not obnoxiously, of course). So, today, as I lost my temper after my daughter asserted her heinously strong will for the eleventy billionth time, I stopped short. I apologized quickly for raising my voice and as her beautiful green eyes, now rimmed with tears, looked up at me I melted. She said, "That's okay, Mommy. I love you more than anything in the whole wide world." It's true what they say: Having a child is like watching your heart walk around outside your body. What a joy, and how very very hard.

Mini Me

God sure teaches you a lot when you're toe-to-toe with a tiny replica of yourself...
I have never loved a person (besides my wonderful man) more than I love her. And yet, at the same time I have never been so sideswiped by my own personality...in the form of a pint-sized beauty queen. Wow. Parenting...it's not for wusses!

My daughter, the big sister

There's a new reason to blog about my charming Lilypie. Her baby sister will be joining us on or around February 8th! Yes, my little princess will soon be a big sister to our second little girlie. But, if you ask her she will quickly correct you (as she did the lady at the coffee shop yesterday)..."I'm a big sister NOW!" she says with her little brow a bit furrowed. She's right! Gotta give her credit for accuracy! She gets the whole "life at conception" concept better than some of my friends. So, we talk a LOT about the baby. She kisses my belly each day, talks to her sister and tells me that they're "secrets" and I can't listen. SO cute. She will be a great sibling. Lily was made to be a big sister. I would know. I am one myself! She'll be bossy, super loving, nurturing, guiding, inquisitive and jealous.
Part of me is very excited to have Lily know what having another kid around will be like. I am very much looking forward to the light bulb (and corresponding tantrums that will ensue) over her head when she realizes what life is like when you have to share and care and think about someone else. But another little part of me isn't ready to have this one-on-one time with her diminish. I pray a lot about that. I pray for the ability to make each of my girls feel needed and cared for and wanted. I want her to feel invited into my home and my life, not pushed out. Many of you who have more than one tell me that I will have challenging days, but there will definitely be enough love for everyone. That encourages me. I'm sure we'll all fall right into our new roles after the first few weeks or months. But for now, I relish the times in the car where no other baby cries and Lily can ask me a thousand questions about one topic. I hope she always feels loved and heard. She is. She SO is. My girl is growing up and that's a fact of life. Mommy's just not as ready as she is, I don't think. What Mom is?